Riding the tides.

I worked the weekend, and i was told on several occasions that I never complain - I never moan, and they liked me for that. But truthfully, i'm good at hiding my stress (at times). I just try keep it bottled, because i don't like taking it out on someone when they don't deserve it. Even if they did deserve it, I wouldn't have the intention to vent it out on them.

There's times when i can act like a clown, being silly and not caring about what people think. I try to make people laugh because i like that emotion, laughter. It's not even the attention that I crave, i just like being around a vibe of happy people. As Eminem once said, 'I just hid behind the tears of a clown.'



Eminem is probably one of my favourite rappers of all time. He's so versatile, and I like his material of dark content and lyrics. At times like this, he's someone I can turn to and mellow out to his classic tunes.

Maybe it's just my independence and freedom out here. I've enjoyed it so much, i think i lost myself and the basic fundamentals i used to live by. I focused so much on 'living the life', sometimes i forgot to sit down and reassess the situations around me, the handful of friends who know who I am, the family that have taught me the values I should live by, the commitment to Buddhism and being sensible. It's easy to say, i'm having one of THOSE days.

Just reflecting on todays shift, I came into work an hour early to finish off some work that didn't get finished off from Saturday evening. My assistant manager said that I didn't have to, but i insisted. Came in, done the work in the stockrooms downstairs then back upstairs to my usual call of duty and running headlessly to get everyones orders for trainers. It was busy cos we were short staffed, but i'm used to it now. Its stressful, but doing well requires a calm head otherwise it'll explode.
Anyways it come to the end of the shift and my assistant manager says he'll pay me what i'm owed for doing the extra hour. Surprisingly, i didn't expect to be reimbursed of my labour, i just simply wanted to help ease the problem. Now, he's not the most popular guy in the workplace, but i still show him respect as he is my senior. I look at how my peers talk to him sometimes, and i feel that he isn't respected for his position. Then again, i'm just there to get the job done, and out.

So what's the point in all that bullshit? I'm just reflecting on my day. Nothing special. I don't expect you to read this far anyway. It was raining on the way back, took about 45 minutes just to match my dull mood. I know alot of people who would complain constantly, probably broadcast it on Facebook and take it out on everyone around. But what stops me? What keeps me going, keeping to myself and not showing my frustration?



I give the credit to my amazing parents. I sat there on the bus on the way back home, head resting on the window listening to 'Never Let Me Down' by Kanye, and thought to myself, 'thank you mum and dad'. If there are any role-models in my life, its my mum and dad. They bought me and my four sisters up in a council house, not earning as much as other people but managed to feed us all, clothe us and make us happy. I think about my childhood, and what they have done for me. I still remember the day when i got my PlayStation, the old school grey one with the non-analog pads. My cousin copied us a couple games including Tekken 3 and Crash Bandicoot 1. Just thinking, how did my dad manage to afford to get me such an amazing thing in my life, the pride and joy of my life. Even my sisters laugh when we look back, they tried to take the PlayStation into there room early one morning just to play it but my dad clocked them and told them off. LOL! It just makes me appreciate that I have been treated and bought up well. My parents couldn't afford the best that my working class friends could afford, but i still made do. Obviously, when i was younger, I wanted to join a football team, or buy the latest games or football boots, but simply my parents covered me with the basics. I was jealous at my friends no lie. But i still had a happy childhood without the unnecessary products that my friends had.



I think that's where i've lost myself. I've had a part time job since I was about 13, non stop. I lost my weekends during secondary school, in which i dont regret now, but felt i missed out at the time. I was making money, in my eyes, more than what my friends could afford. I could then go out to buy what i wanted, but sparingly as my mum would always give me the 'vietnamese mum' look when i'd come home with a JD bag or a Sports World bag (i kept buying footie tops lol). My mum and dad kept telling me to save my money, save my money, save my money.
I did well i must admit. Saved about £600 or so through my secondary school years, which seems quite alot thinking about it. It went to my driving lessons exclusively, im glad to say i paid for every minute of my driving lessons. I got myself a car with the help of my father (my mum was quite reluctant), but i got there. I've got what i wanted. But the question I ask myself is: 'now what'?

I can get what I want, but do i really appreciate it for the value it's worth? Reminds me of the film 'Wizard of Oz', where she travels down the yellow-brick road. I can get to where i want to go, but i want to appreciate the journey to get there more than anything. Which is why im probably looking back on my past to where i am now. Looking back. I've taken alot for granted, i've been given so many opportunities thanks to my family and friends, but how do i show thanks? I think that's where i'm learning. I've done enough receiving, i think it's time for some giving.

Right now, i'm gonna have to ride solo for a while. Spending time socialising in the first year of uni is what it's all about, but i have literally not slowed down once since about Christmas probably, sparingly. I think my engine of personality is running out of happiness (how tacky LOL!) I just need a break. Let's not kid, i'm no Lil Wayne who works 24/7, as he says, "We are not the same, I am a martian." I've had enough socialising for now. I'm going to go find myself.

Thank you for reading, you must have time.